That person is your Derby Wife.
The concept of a Derby Wife was invented by Kacey Bomber of the LA Derby Dolls back in 2003, who after "the world's most ill-advised drinking contest" came up with a list of criteria that makes one of your teammates into your platonic Derby soulmate.
A derby wife is quite simply this:
1. She is the one person in this whole sport of roller derby that the very instant you looked at her, you felt like you’d known her since you were a fetus. She looked just like your best friend from fifth grade, or something she did reminded you of all the things you ever liked in anyone else.
2. She is the first person you’d call if you ever need to get bailed out of jail. (Or in my case, ever need to have an entire legal crusade started in your name.)
3. She’s the one who will be holding back your hair when you puke after drinking too much, and she won’t let anyone take your picture while doing it.
4. She’ll ride in the ambulance with you when you lose a tooth, break your wrist, or tear your ACL.She’ll make you laugh the whole way to the hospital, try to steal your pain medication (lovingly), and sneak your favorite food and a beer into recovery.
5. She’ll make her actual husband understand that if he loves her, he’s gonna have to put up with you, too, no matter how many times you come over forcing him to revisit all the derby-related shows on his Tivo that you missed.
6. She may not even be your best friend in the league or the sport, but she’d be the one you know will be the first one to back you up, even if you’re dead wrong. She’ll just tell you you’ve lost your fucking mind later in private, possibly kick your ass a little bit, and then be the only one who could ever talk your hotheaded ass into some reason.
- Source
This idea has become so huge in the Derby World that every year at RollerCon in Las Vegas there's a massive "Wedding" where skaters can marry their derby wives, or leagues or whatever.
My wifey has the moniker of Porn Flakes, which surprised the hell out of a lot of people when she chose that name. Granted, they'd never heard her spout off a bunch of expletives after a drink or two. Now they know better.
Now, I'm very fortunate to not only have a Derby Wife, but also a Derby Twin – a term I may have to coin the way Kacey Bomber coined Derby Wife and a concept I will likely do a post on in the future – but Porny has been my bestest bestie the whole time I've been in Derby.
The two of us were about the same size, so we got paired together for a lot of drills. Eventually we just started assuming we were the other's partner for pretty much everything. We laughed, we cried, we skated. Eventually we just assumed that we were each other's Derby Wife.
We started hanging out outside of Derby, went to the movies, for coffee, bitched about our jobs – nurse for her, editor for me – her two little boys became my "fan club." When she'd tell her oldest son that I was coming over to visit, he'd ask "My Aleisha?" I went with her while she got her latest tattoo finished. She listened to my broken-hearted blubbering and offered to make "shit shellack" to throw at his house. Clearly, it was meant to be.
I swear, I will never forget the day we were playing some random tag sort of game at practice – I went through the unsafe zone and Porny had fallen to her knees and tried crawling/scrambling on all fours to try and tag me. I called her a spider monkey and she let out the biggest gut-busting laugh I'd ever heard. Honestly, I didn't think it was that funny, but she couldn't catch her breath, she was laughing so hard.
It wasn't long after that that Porny had her accident. I never saw what actually happened, as I had my back to her at the time, but it was bad. We were practicing barrel rolls and it was going pretty well... that is, until Porny took her turn. The next thing I see is her getting up and going to sit on the bench, then I turned around again and she was gone.
Turned out she's broken her collar bone and damaged her shoulder in her barrel roll attempt. I felt like the biggest ass for not being the one to help her – I still feel like an ass for it, even though she'd tell me "don't be so damn stupid." That fall pretty much ended her Derby career, as he shoulder is now held together with "screws and tinfoil" because the doctors waited too damn long to do something about it.
The even more bizarre thing is that we never actually got a chance to play in a bout together – the first bout we had last year was a mixed bag invitational that actually had us on opposing teams, or at least it would have if I hadn't injured my knee two days before and was unable to play. Then she had her shoulder injury, and that was the end of that. Another hit on that side, and she probably wouldn't be able to use her arm again.
But that didn't matter. She still came to practices, mostly as a spectator or standing in the middle of the track yelling at us while we did pack work. She makes a good bench wench.
But now, all that's done, because she and her husband and kids are move back to Onterrible – I mean Ontario – so she can go back to school and the kids can actually know their extended family. I'm told there will be space for me to come and visit, I imagine it'll be a little cupboard under the stairs like in Harry Potter.
Her goodbye party was a couple weeks ago, which I was at but didn't see much of her. She was concerned that she didn't spend enough time with me, but I knew I was going to see her at least a few more times before she actually left so I really didn't care. We're cool like that. It's nice having friends like that.
I spent a good portion of Monday at her house, shooting the shit, watching the boys and helping clean up some stuff that needed cleaning. I don't know if I'll see her before she leaves on Thursday, but we know that this isn't Goodbye, it's just Catch Ya Later.
Imma miss my Porny. She's already said I can't divorce her on grounds that she's leaving the freakin' province, so I guess I'm stuck with her. The best part is, she doesn't have Internet right now and likely won't have it for another week or so, so she won't see this post until then... mwahahahahahaha!
Ginger and Porny at Tragically Hip concert
Be thankful I didn't add a bunch of photos of you, Porny! I was tempted!
Derby Luv,
Ginger.
Derby Luv,
Ginger.
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